This is Me.

“When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me..”

Honestly, I’ve been listening to this song a lot lately, and it’s really been resonating with me. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been having moments of self-doubt, insecurity, and overall distaste for myself as person, and I’ve been trying to hone in on the reason and I think I figured it out: I’ve been trying to be a decent person, but despite that, I’ve unintentionally hurt a lot of people along the way, and because of that, their opinion of me has turned negative, and I’m letting it affect me more than I should. On top of that, I’ve come to see myself as less than a unique individual, and more of just how everyone sees me, which is basically, “the guy on Facebook posting lewd shit”. It’s impacted me negatively and I didn’t realize it until today when my close friend noticed I was acting a lot more off than my usual optimistic self.

I don’t write this, though, to focus on the negatives and have a pity party. I’m not writing this to make it about myself. I’m writing this because it’s not about me. This is about those I’ve hurt. Those I’ve upset, and left a bad impression on. This is about what I’ve done to them and what I’ve done to fix it. The sad truth about it is, well, there isn’t anything I can do about it. I’ve apologized to people, and I’ll keep apologizing, whether or not it’s being accepted, but that’s all I can do, besides striving to be a better person as I move forward.

No, the focus here is me coming to an understanding that I am who I am, and it’s about time I learn to accept that, love myself, and not be ashamed of myself anymore. I need to stop holding the negative opinions of people who are no longer in my life directly to such high regard. I need to be the better person and rise above it. I won’t be able to grow and learn if I keep letting myself get held back by myself, instead of just BEING myself.

So, if you hate me, dislike me, or have some negative opinion of me, or maybe you just dislike my photography, then, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I caused you pain and suffering. I’m sorry for what I may have done to sow such negativity, but, that is all I can do. After this, you can continue to say what you want about me, think what you want about me, and continue to harbor your contempt, but I won’t let it affect me. I won’t let it hurt me. I won’t let it cut me down and feel like I’m fucking up and doing the wrong thing anymore. As the song says, “another round of bullets hits my skin; well, fire away, because today, I won’t let the shame sink in”, and that’s exactly how I feel.

I’m not perfect. I’m flawed and jagged; but, I’ll be damned if that stops me from being happy or enjoying myself and what I do. I am who I am because of what I’ve accomplished and because of what I’ve gone through. This…this is me.